Team Work: How to Be the Worst Teammate Ever (and Decrease Life Expectancy)

Lately, my group just hasn't been meshing well. I don't know what it is. Is it the fact that we are tired of all our classes? We aren't satisfied with the program? We are frustrated with finance? All in all, it seems like our group has been divided into two camps. Competent vs. not I like to say. But there is someone that causes the rift in our group to become more apparent. (And not to brag—but I picked out this individual from the pack from the get-go). Working in a group can be bliss—or can be a horrendous train wreck that will leave you scarred for life. If you are working in a group and you are going through the same growing pains as we are, you might want to refer your “bad apple” team member to this. Or are you looking to annoy the crap out of everyone around you? Interested in alienating those around you? Looking to shorten your life expectancy by about 30 years? Well, here's your handy-dandy guide to being the most annoying person in a group.

1. Touch people's computer screens. I don't know if others share this sentiment, but my laptop is my holy grail. You. Do. Not. Touch. It. This means, you hover, you don't touch. Ever. But, if you want people to chase you with fire and pitch forks, by all means, grease up your finger and touch away.
2. Complain about what you don't want to do, but offer no solution. If you really want to test the patience of you group, scrunch up your face when you get handed an assignment. And then start whining about how you hate your assignment. But when you get asked what you would like to do—offer up nothing. But don't forget to complain about what you don't want to do.
3. Wants to always take the easy way out. Always opt to take the easy way out—because hey—you obviously have somewhere better to be instead of this stupid group project.
4. Always claim you are busy. Sure, we all lead busy lives—but you should exaggerate how you hardly have time to think.
5. Be a Leroy Jenkins. Skip to about 1:25 if you want to know what I mean. 

There you have it. Now you can be the worst team member in the history of ever.

Please don't do this.

Your team will hate you.

You'll divide up your team, and your team won't be a team anymo'. It'll be a battle zone.

So instead, be flexible and have a desire to help your team.

You'll get the project done even faster if you don't have an attitude about it.